


but i swear (you were there)

by gentlelogic



Series: fem!sides verse [6]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Apologies, Developing Relationship, Developing fem! Moceit, F/F, Fighting, Friendship Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Jealously, Me pushing the Therapy and Communication Agenda 2021, Mentions of unhealthy relationships with food, implied suicidal thoughts, lots of communication, mentions of depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-24
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-03-15 05:54:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29679414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gentlelogic/pseuds/gentlelogic
Summary: “I like my alone time.”“Sincewhen?” Roman asks, looking amused. “You once told me you would rather die than be alone.”Patton gives a tight-lipped smile. “I was exaggerating.”“You cried and made me come over when your parents left you to watch the house for two days by yourself.”Patton visualizes taking the Pepsi can and hitting Roman over the head with it. Instead, she forces another smile and says, “People change. I changed. Guess you just haven’t noticed,” and before she can see Roman’s face cross with hurt, she hurries off with her armful of food and shuts herself into her room.or.Things blow up. Then things get fixed.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Deceit | Janus Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders
Series: fem!sides verse [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1683106
Comments: 6
Kudos: 34





	but i swear (you were there)

When Patton walks into the apartment after class, she tries not to let her heart sink as she sees Roman and Virgil curled up on the couch, quietly laughing together. Trying to swallow her disappointment, Patton drops her bag on the counter and opens the fridge, pulling out a can of Pepsi. She opens the cabinet and immediately goes for the package of double-stuffed Oreos. Then the chips. And maybe a bag of M&Ms and two leftover brownies.

She’s having a rough day, okay?

“That is infinitely unhealthy.”

Patton squeaks in surprise, dropping the chips and brownies. The Pepsi is only saved by her slamming it between her pelvis and the cabinet. Logan frowns at her before ducking down and retrieving the brownies and chips, setting them down on the counter.

“Thanks, Logan; very _sweet_ of you,” Patton says, smiling down at the brownies.

Logan is still frowning. “What are you doing with all this stuff?”

Patton’s grin drops by a fraction of an inch. “Taking it to my room.”

“That does not seem healthy to keep that much food in your room and—”

“Well, I dunno, Logan,” Patton says, her smile dropping entirely, “maybe I don’t care that much about that right now.”

Logan gazes at her, looking stupidly helpless and Patton feels a little bit bad for her change of tone. She gathers the chips and brownies back into her arms. Before she can escape to the safety of her room, Logan is speaking again.

“Have you had a difficult day?” He looks incredibly uncomfortable, hands awkwardly stuffed in his pockets, leg bouncing the slightest amount.

“You could say that,” Patton says, swallowing down the lump in her throat. She tries to head to her room again, but Logan’s voice stops her once again.

“You spend a lot of time alone in your room.”

Patton flinches, just barely. “I like my alone time.”

And of _course_ , that has to be when Roman, the human encyclopedia on all of Patton’s behavior, decides to come in to grab water from the fridge for her and Virgil. 

“Since _when_?” Roman asks, looking amused. “You once told me you would rather die than be alone.”

An expression of alarm and concern crosses Logan’s face. Patton gives a tight-lipped smile. “I was exaggerating.”

Roman cracks open one of the waters and downs a drink. “You cried and made me come over when your parents left you to watch the house for two days by yourself.”

Patton visualizes taking the Pepsi can and hitting Roman over the head with it. Instead, she forces another smile and says, “People change. I changed. Guess you just haven’t noticed,” and before she can see Roman’s face cross with hurt or Logan’s morph into complete confusion—before she can regret being such a gigantic jerk, she hurries off with her armful of food, ignores Virgil’s confused stare, and shuts herself into her room.

Again.

[|]

Three episodes into Parks and Rec, half a sleeve of Oreos, and half a bag of M&Ms later, there’s a quiet rhythmic series of knocks on her door. She sighs and stuffs the food under her blanket and wipes her hands on her sweatpants. _Disgusting_.

She coughs. “Uhm… come in.”

Logan steps into the room, eyes gazing over the décor, then to Patton in the middle of her bed, laptop on top of her pillows and a stuffed dog in her lap. She feels impossibly small as Logan shuts the door behind him and crosses over to her bed.

“May I sit?”

“Sure,” Patton says and before her brain can catch up to her mouth to take it back, warn Logan about what’s under the covers, Logan sits down and there’s that distinct crunch of the Oreo’s packaging giving way under his weight.

He raises an eyebrow, but simply pulls them out from under the covers and hands them carefully over to Patton. Embarrassed, she sets them and the dog beside her laptop and stares down at her hands to avoid Logan’s gaze.

“Virgil tells me I am not the best at communicating my feelings at times and I believe I have made a grievous error in communicating with you at times.”

“Oh, I’m sure you haven’t, Logan—”

“You needn’t lie to console me, Patton. I hurt your feelings regarding the food, and I apologize. I was merely concerned because some of your habits lately have indicated that you are struggling with a depressive episode and I did not know how to properly communicate my concern. I apologize.”

Something squirms uncomfortably in Patton’s chest and she forces words past the lump in her throat. “’s okay,” she squeaks.

“It wasn’t okay.” Patton manages to look up at Logan and he smiles at her softly. “However, what you said to Romana did hurt her feelings. I do not see why, but she said it was, and I quote, ‘the Patton equivalent of telling me to go fuck myself.’”

Patton grimaces. “I was mean.”

Logan’s brow furrows. “Why?”

She shrugs. “I lashed out.”

“I do not mean to intrude, but…” Logan sighed. “You appear lately as if something is troubling you.”

“No offense, Logan, but I don’t think you wanna hear about it.”

“I can decide that for myself, I assure you.”

Patton’s shoulders slump. “It’s silly. Just stupid feelings. Nobody’s fault but my own.”

Logan’s hand feels like an older brother’s, gently squeezing her shoulder. “What’s wrong, Patton?”

“I don’t think Roman likes me as much anymore,” she mumbles out. “And I dunno if Virgil likes me. Or if you like me. Or if I should even be here.”

Logan’s hand doesn’t move, but he ducks down to meet her eyes. “Be here. As in, alive?”

Patton flinches and lets out a hollow laugh and Logan’s hand drops. “I mean in this apartment, with you guys. I’m not… Not that. Never that.”

Logan nods solemnly. “But you do not feel as if you belong in this living space?”

Patton shakes her head. “I just miss Roman.”

“Romana is in the living room, Patton.”

Patton ignores him. “She’s my best friend. And Virgil’s her girlfriend now and I feel like I don’t fit in the picture anymore.”

“You are still Romana’s best friend.”

“Well, it doesn’t feel like it,” Patton snaps.

“Ah,” Logan says quietly as if something is finally dawning on him. “You are jealous.”

“It’s stupid and mean of me, I know,” Patton sniffles, running a hand over her eyes.

“Irrational, illogical, and unfounded, perhaps. Stupid? Absolutely not.” Logan draws out a long sigh. “I miss doing things with Virgil at times, one on one, when we were small children. Things are different now. It takes… adjusting. And communication.”

“Mhm.”

“But she loves me the same,” Logan continues steadily. His hand lands on Patton’s back. “And Romana loves you the same. From what I have observed… and I do not mean this in an unkind way, but I think everyone has assumed that you coming to your room all the time means that you wanted space to be alone. Perhaps Romana does not wish to intrude.”

“It’s easier to be alone sometimes than feel like an outcast.” Patton winces. “That sounds so dumb. I’m sorry.”

Logan doesn’t say anything, just hums softly. Then, “Feeling like an outcast is never a pleasant experience.”

Patton sniffles and shakes her head. “It’s not.”

“For the record,” Logan says slowly, “I do like you. I apologize if I have made that unclear.”

“It’s not your fault. My brain’s just silly sometimes.”

“Have you considered talking to someone about it?”

Patton frowns. “Like… like a therapist?”

“Yes, exactly like that.”

“I’m not… not like, ya know, Roman or anything.”

“What do you mean?”

Patton blushes. “My life has been fine. I don’t have a reason to need a therapist.”

“Struggling with your mental health is reason enough,” Logan says. “Virgil sees a therapist for her anxiety and her life is ‘fine,’ as you put it. I see one and my life is ‘fine.’ You do not need a ‘reason.’”

Patton picks at a thread on her pants. “You’re right. I’m sorry.”

“I assure you; you don’t need to apologize.”

They both go quiet again until Logan rises and pats Patton’s shoulder before picking up the Oreo sleeve and taking a cookie.

“I do not want to intrude on what is your and Romana’s business. However, if I may suggest—talk to her. She is concerned.” Patton nods and Logan goes to open the door.

“Logan.”

“Yes?”

“Thank you for listening. And being nice.”

A genuine soft smile spreads across Logan’s face. “It was no problem.

[|]

Patton knows that Virgil is behind the door, in the room with Roman too, and that makes it even harder for Patton not to immediately run away after knocking on the bedroom door.

“Come in!” Roman’s familiar voice calls.

Patton opens the door and shoots a hesitant smile towards Roman and Virgil sprawled out on the bed, Virgil on her laptop and Roman sketching something in a notebook.

“Hey, Pat,” Virgil says. She does a double take when she sees the outfit Patton’s changed into and her tired body language. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” Patton says, finding that she means it. “I’m okay, kiddo. Can I uhm… borrow Roman for a minute?”

“Of course.”

Roman stands up, shutting her notebook with a tiny, concerned frown. She follows Patton out of the room and onto the couch in front of the TV.

“Is everything okay?” Roman starts just as Patton blurts out, “I’m so sorry.”

Roman laughs softly and takes Patton’s hands. “What’re you sorry about?”

“What I said earlier… snapping at you. Logan told me it hurt your feelings and I… I’m really sorry. It was mean.”

“It was a little harsh, but…” Roman shifts, looking uncomfortable. “Did I do something? To make you upset?”

Patton shakes her head. “No. You did nothing wrong. I was lashing out, but lately, I’ve been kind of… sad.”

Roman’s eyes melt into concern. “Pat… You could’ve told me you were having a hard time.”

“I know,” Patton says, feeling her eyes brim with tears again. _How many times can she cry in one day?_ “But I’ve been feeling out of place lately and didn’t feel like… you know, maybe you don’t want me as much anymore, now that you’ve got Virgil and Logan and—”

Roman looks horrified. “Patton.”

“I know, it’s so silly. I just can’t help feeling like everything keeps changing so fast and maybe… maybe I don’t fit in the picture as much.”

Roman lunges forward and wraps Patton in a hug so tight Patton can barely breathe, but at the same time, it feels so warm and good. She immediately melts, resting her chin on her friend’s shoulder.

“You always fit in the picture, Pat. You… you mean the world to me. You’ve never stopped meaning the world to me.” Roman gives her a little squeeze. “I love Virgil, but I still love _you_ too and you mean just as much to me as ever.”

Patton swallows. “Yeah?”

“Yeah. Fucking absolutely. You…” Roman pulls away and settles her hands on Patton’s shoulders. “You’re always in my corner and I couldn’t ask for a better friend.”

“I’m sorry for not communicating with you from the start,” Patton says.

“I forgive you. Forgive me for being stupid and not noticing how much you were struggling with?”

Patton nods. “Deal.”

Roman goes back in for another hug, kissing Patton’s cheek. “We have a lot to catch up on. You’ve spent like thirty years in that room.”

Patton huffs out a laugh. “It hasn’t been _that_ bad.”

“I’d bet you spend a million hours a day in there.”

“There’s not a million hours in a day, silly.”

Roman laughs. “Can we promise each other something?”

“Hm?”

“In the future, we don’t do this. We don’t bottle everything up and not talk to each other. We communicate.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

Patton breaks out into a grin. “Yeah.”

[|]

**Janus** **🐍 (10:42 PM):** Hey, I totally don’t have an awkward question to ask you.

**Patton** **🐶 (10:45 PM):** ?

**Janus** **🐍 (10:45 PM):** So I went to this little restaurant yesterday. Very cute.

**Janus** **🐍 (10:45 PM):** They have a little candy shop up front and everything.

**Janus** **🐍 (10:45 PM):** Totally charming, yada yada.

**Janus** **🐍 (10:46 PM):** Their cookies are also THE BEST I’ve ever had.

**Janus** **🐍 (10:46 PM):** Not that I was thinking of you or anything but

**Janus** **🐍 (10:47 PM):** I thought maybe I could take you there sometime.

**Janus** **🐍 (10:47 PM):** If you weren’t opposed, of course.

**Patton** **🐶 (10:47 PM):** i'd love to!!!

**Janus** **🐍 (10:47 PM):** Ofc, I’d completely understand if you wouldn’t want to.

**Janus** **🐍 (10:48 PM):** Oh.

**Janus** **🐍 (10:48 PM):** Okay, fantastic, nice. I 100% knew you’d be down. You free tomorrow at 6 PM?

**Patton** **🐶 (10:48 PM):** yeah! **☺💖🐾**

**Janus** **🐍 (10:48 PM):** Shall I be a proper gentlewoman and pick you up?

**Janus** **🐍 (10:49 PM):** I have a Bluetooth just DYING to hear anything other than Jazz.

**Patton** **🐶 (10:49 PM):** ya like jazz? 😎🐝

**Janus** **🐍 (10:50 PM):** 1\. Bee Movie. Nice. 2. No, I hate it, that’s why I listen to it constantly. 

**Patton** **🐶 (10:50 PM):** i don’t know much abt jazz tbh

**Janus** **🐍 (10:51 PM):** Oh, honey, I have a lot I can show you. I think you’ll like it.

**Janus** **🐍 (10:51 PM):** If you’d like.

**Patton** **🐶 (10:52 PM):** i’d love to!

**Janus** **🐍 (10:52 PM):** It’s settled then. I’ll pick you up at 6 tomorrow. Cool?

**Patton** **🐶 (10:53 PM):** yea!

**Janus** **🐍 (10:53 PM):** It’s a date then.

**Patton** **🐶 (10:53 PM):** 💖

**Pat-on-the-back** **🐶** has started a new conversation with **No Romo** **❌** **🌈!**

**Pat-on-the-back** **🐶 (10:54 PM):** JBSFBHFBBDHBHFBBFSHBFHJFSHJFJHBFBHS

**Pat-on-the-back** **🐶 (10:54 PM): [screenshot]**

**Pat-on-the-back** **🐶 (10:54 PM): [screenshot]**

**Pat-on-the-back** **🐶 (10:54 PM): [screenshot]**

**Pat-on-the-back** **🐶 (10:54 PM): [screenshot]**

**Pat-on-the-back** **🐶 (10:54 PM): [screenshot]**

**Pat-on-the-back** **🐶 (10:54 PM):** ROMAN PLS

**No Romo** **❌** **🌈 (10: 55 PM):** PAT

**Pat-on-the-back** **🐶 (10:55 PM):** SHE ASKED ME ON A DATE, ON A DATE, RO

**No Romo** **❌** **🌈 (10:56 PM):** OH MY GOD

**No Romo** **❌** **🌈 (10: 56 PM):** JANUS???? LIKE IN YOUR INTRO CLASS????

**Pat-on-the-back** **🐶 (10:56 PM):** YES

**No Romo** **❌** **🌈 (10: 57 PM):** NSHBSHFXGHBDHBGHBHCBGHBHDBCBXDGHBXHDBDHBXGHDBCHJBDH

Patton lays her phone down and throws her face into her pillow, a huge smile across her face.

Perhaps things are looking up after all.

**Author's Note:**

> Y’all’s comments make my day. <3


End file.
